If you’ve had a session with me I’ve shared pieces of my story, + what has brought me to this place where I get to share this connection with you. If we haven’t met in person, hello beautiful soul! It’s so wonderful to be in connection with you!
When I look back at my life the puzzle pieces start to fall into place, I start to understand why I experienced what I did + I now truly wouldn’t change how my life has turned out.
Growing up we were farmers surrounded by the land, the animals, the ebb + flow of life. We worked hard, and played harder as my dad always said. We grew up in a 800 square foot house together, I shared a room with my 2 siblings till I graduated. This meant we were close, and always surrounded by each other.
No boundaries. No space. No secrets or pieces of yourself left unknown.
Fear motivated a lot my actions, and decisions. Fear of failure, fear of repercussions, fear of judgement, fear of safety, fear of happiness because it always came at a cost. This was not a single person’s fault. It was a slippery slope, it was hard to pinpoint which part was the initial action or choice created the chaos. Then add in financial struggle, generational trauma, parents who had no support + thought they were doing their best, with a big ol’ dash of world ridicule and judgement. This is what created what I thought at the time a normal environment to grow up in. But as I grew older, as I grew into my intuition, and into my soul I began to understand that this indeed was not “normal”. So I began to stand, I began to question, I began to yell, I began to rebel. They called it the “middle child” syndrome. But it was just the plain fact that it wasn’t right.
Why couldn’t anyone else see it? Why couldn’t my siblings see it? Why couldn’t my community see it? Or did they see it + just not care?
I became angry. I became spiteful. I became critical and cynical of the world around me.
I stopped trusting people. I stopped wanting to be around people. Music and the stars in the sky became my friends. I would run to the bale yard in the middle of the nights + stare up at the sky, asking anyone who would listen the “why” questions. It came to a point in my life where I stopped believing in God, I didn’t understand how he could let a child suffer, how he could expect me to go through so much without any help.
I hardened. I numbed my emotions. I recluded into myself. I became a shell of a person. I became an ugly person with a sharp tongue that could cut wounds so deep. I manipulated. I lied. I lost sight of who I wanted to be. It became a day to day plan with dreams of a fantasy life “one day”. I thought about death often, the peace it would offer, the sanctuary it would allow, the ability to leave this life and leave all the pain, betrayal, and solitude behind.
English was also my favorite subject in school, I found solace in creative writing. I would easily write stories of darkness, with the desperation I felt. No one ever saw it as a plea for help, no one ever saw myself as the character in those stories, they just told me I had a knack for writing.
I then moved to the bright lights of the city to attend nursing school, which in that time I tried to find my place in the world. I tried to find how my purpose would fit in the world. Nursing school was hands down one of the hardest things I had ever done. & then I lost her; that will be another story for another day.
Within those four years, I had moments that broke me apart + that built me up, which have led me right here.
To where I see you, I hear you, & I am grateful for your courage to let the light in.
So what is your story? What pieces of your life define who you are? Are you still looking for the pieces of who you want to be?